Everybody said the Bosworth mansion was haunted, but I didn’t listen. I wish that I did. I will never forget that night.
My family and I had just moved to Gray Lake, Minnesota, 2,000 miles from where I used to live. I hate this place. There’s no cell service, we have to drive at least forty-five minuets to get into town, and to top it all of I have ZERO friends!!! So you see how "great" my life is. Well, anyway back to the story.
I was walking home from school, by myself, when I spotted the mansion. I hesitated, but only for second. I decided to head over to the door. I walked up and the welcome mat said "Your NOT Welcome". But I didn't care. I opened the door, and with it came a loud CREEK. As I slowly walked into the house I got a gush of cold wind and a chill went down my spine. Something was not right about this place. I was in the house, and the door slammed shut behind me. I quickly turned around and nobody was there. Boy, was that creepy. I continued down the hallway and made my way upstairs. With each step I thought the stairs might collapse right underneath me. When I reached the top, I heard singing.
I was really freaked out by now so I started heading towards the stairs. When I reached the top of the staircase and RAN for my life. I reached the door, an it was locked. Seriously it would not budge. Than that's when I heard the singing coming closer and closer towards me. I turned around and there she was. The tiny innocent doll that I am sure was following me as I have seen her in every room. I heard the singing one more time but it wasn't the doll. It was the little girl behind her. Her singing made me woozy and dizzy. Like she was casting a spell on me. I started to get nauseous and weak in the knees. The little girl became 5 little girls as I started to pass out. And that was the last time I opened my eyes.
The End
I really liked how you left the audience on their edge of their seats. It was really cool with all of the creepy stuffI! You had a really good conclusion sentence because of the cliffhanger. One thing that you could improve on is when you said when down my spine it should be went down my spine. Also try to have some different sentence starters then I. Overall it was such a great story!!!! I loved reading it.
ReplyDeleteI really liked how you ended it off with a cliffhanger... It was a really good story!
ReplyDeleteI really liked how you said that is was the last time the character opened her eyes. It really made the story more suspenseful. A way to improve is to try to make it longer, because to me, this is a relatively short read. But I still think this story is a great one.
ReplyDeleteThis was great story. It had really left me wanting more. The only thing you should change is some of your grammar but other than that it was really, really good.
ReplyDeleteWow I loved that story! When you wrote " I got a gush of cold wind and a chill when down my spine" I actually got the chills! I just wish you had written more!
ReplyDeleteI liked your story and how you introduced it when you said that you already didn't like the place that you lived, then turned it into the rest of the story. One thing that you could probably improve on in the future, is making your story a bit longer and adding more details to each part of the story.
ReplyDelete